Maybe it’s ok…

Gosh, I don’t even know where to start. I feel like that’s how I started my last blog post after our third embryo transfer.

But a lot has happened the last couple days. Our 2WW was pretty uneventful. I think the Lord wrapped me in peace during our last wait and I honestly never felt anxious or tempted to take a home pregnancy test. About 5 days after the transfer, I could tell things were happening in my body. I “felt” pregnant and I just knew it worked. I told Gannon that I will be completely blindsided if our test came back negative.

Wednesday, we went in for our pregnancy test. We went in early and gave my blood and then spent the day with the boys. At 2:00 pm, we got the call that I was pregnant, but that my numbers were low. They usually like to see HCG numbers around 50 on day 9 and mine was only 16.3. MK seemed very optimistic and said it’s not where the number starts as long as it doubles that all that really matters. But it felt too similar to our last transfer that ended in a chemical pregnancy. So we were cautiously optimistic.

Numbers are supposed to double every other day so I went back on Friday to have them checked. They close at 1 so I was hoping we would find out earlier. 1 came, 2, 3 and I finally text MK and asked if she had heard anything because we were going crazy. At 4, we got the call and it was MK and Dr B on the phone. I just knew it wasn’t going to be good when I realized it was both of them.

My numbers dropped to a 5.3. We all couldn’t believe it. I asked if there was anything I could do to try and help my numbers rise. And Dr B said in all his career, he has never seen numbers come back up from something that low after they have dropped. But that it was my decision and if I wanted to continue the meds I could double confirm my results on Monday. Last night, Gannon and I talked and 730pm rolled around and I decided I didn’t want to do anymore shots. My booty has welts all over it that are so bruised, itchy and irritated. And Gannon said he really didn’t want me to emotionally do that to myself. But as the night went on, I decided I wanted to continue it. There’s no reason why we shouldn’t. It can’t hurt anything. We have a 3 hour window with PIO so I decided to do it. I don’t want to do go through all this and think what if.

I never imagined we would make it this far in our journey to not have any other children through IVF. I never imagined God would have us in this place again. I never thought at the age of 32 I would have 6 babies and 4 of them in heaven.

Honestly, this is a post I hoped we would never never have to write again.

But guys, this is the ugly side of infertility. Infertility is so unfair. It makes you feel broken. Makes you feel like your body is broken. It’s devastating, heart breaking, and lonely. Especially when we live in a world that seems like people all around us can get pregnant and even with medicine I can’t. It doesn’t make sense. But you know what? It doesn’t have to all the time.

Yesterday, I was reminded what a true miracle our boys are. When I think back on our story that lead us to them I remember the heart ache we felt before they came. I remember feeling this devastation only to be blown away by God’s rainbow on the other side of it. Our boys are real life proof that Gods plan is always better than our own.

So our story isn’t over. I don’t know what lies ahead, but I know our rainbow will come. We will expand our family one way or another. And I cling to the hope that we are one step closer. For now, we will mourn the last 5 years of infertility. Mourn our journey, mourn our babies who are in heaven instead of with us on earth, but also realize God has it all planned out. He knows. He knew yesterday when we were heart broken, He knew even before we started this journey and he knows now.

Thank you to everyone who has reached out and prayed for us. Sorry I’ve kept you all in the dark the last few days. This round was so much harder than I realized and I needed time to process and stay focused.

If you all can please keep praying it’s going to be a long recovery ahead. I know emotions will come in waves. I know Monday will be hard. I know when I start bleeding it will be hard. I know this Christmas will be hard. And I know it will be hard when their due dates come.

But I know we will get through this. I know I will be stronger because of it. And I know one day it will all make sense.

Here’s a video I made to remember this precious little life God blessed us with for a short time.

We love you guys,

Gannon, Kate, Jett, Kruz & our 4 heavenly babies.