When I am Afraid, I put my Trust in You

Last night we had our first little scare. I went to the bathroom around midnight and noticed some brown spotting. Why does scary stuff always seem to happen really late at night?! I immediately started googling and freaked myself out. Gannon was like I’m sure it’s fine and then was asleep in 10 minutes…MEN!! All while I’m over here having a panic attack. Preparing myself for the worst.

I started a new bible study on the Bible app yesterday called, “Freedom from all Fear.” I’ve come to realize the wait between your first positive pregnancy test and your ultrasound is definitely worse than the 2ww to find out if you’re pregnant or not! As soon as you find out you’re pregnant you are aware of all the twinges, cramps, and any other crazy thing happening in your body. It’s enough to make you go insane. So I decided to stop googling and start praying. I read that study and found another bible study on the app called, “Worry – Finding Peace.” The last verse on that study was Psalm 56:3 and it says, “But when I am afraid, I will put my trust in you.” Girls, put google down and open that bible app. It brings so much more comfort. I kept repeating that until I finally was able to go asleep.

When I woke up, I was terrified to go to the bathroom. I was afraid to find more blood. I finally went   and sure enough there was still brown spotting. I panicked! I woke Gannon up and told him I was freaked out and that I was going to reach out to MK.

I text her and told her what was going on. She had warned me that I could potentially see spotting and not to freak out, but to let them know. I asked her if I could come in today because there was no way I could wait until my next blood test Monday to know what was going on. They of course got me in and told me that spotting can happen for several different reasons. It could be old from when the baby(ies) implanted, it could happen after intercourse, it could happen from my uterus stretching – the list could go on.

So my “pelvic region” if officially on rest until my ultrasound. But by the grace of the Lord, we got the call and my numbers are still increasing. Today my beta was 18,650. THANK YOU JESUS!

I hate that I’ve become this worry wart. I’m so scared of something happening to these babies. I’m terrified to be disappointed again. But I know that worrying won’t change the outcome. So I am publicly challenging myself to stop worrying. Matthew 6:27 says, “Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?”

I want to enjoy these precious days that I have carrying our miracles. I want to embrace each moment, scary or happy. I wasn’t sure I would ever get to experience what it’s like to carry another life inside of me and now I get too! So Lord, “When I am afraid, I will put my trust in you.” Thank you for allowing me to experience this pregnancy. I promise to never take a moment of it for granted. I pray that you would continue to protect these babies and keep them safe. Help them continue to grow and develop with each passing minute. Please give me a peace that only you are able to provide. Please help me to not question every symptom and rejoice in them because they are a sign of the life you placed in my womb. Thank you Father for allowing me to be their Mother. I pray that these next 7 months you would teach me grace. It’s in your precious name, Amen.

Friends, can you please join us in prayer for these babies? Pray for continued protection over them.

We love you!

Xo,

 Momma Brown


4 thoughts on “When I am Afraid, I put my Trust in You

  1. My husband and I had the same experience. I am on endometrin and I went to apply it. When I wiped it was pink. I panicked. I looked in the bowl and it was like fruit punch. I walked into the living room with tears in my eyes and told my husband that I was bleeding. So there we are staring at the red water in the bowl, he hugs me and asks “so this is not good, right?” I shrugged and said “it is not necessary bad either”. Neither of us slept very well that night. I was afraid to pee for the rest of the week. But I have not seen since. The doctor said that I should only be concerned if you have enough blood to fill a pad. It was still very scary.

    On a side note: I have twins! I think you do too. Best wishes for you and your little ones. The best sight is seeing their little heart beats.

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