This Christmas

Yesterday I tearfully hung this ornament on our tree. Each year we’ve been married Gannon and I pick out a new ornament together. And this is by far the most special to me.



I know I’ve said it before, but IVF is such an emotionally draining process. Just getting to the point to finally to go forward with IVF is exhausting. The emotions behind each shot, ultrasound, and doctors appointment just intensify your feelings for wanting a family.

The day I found out these precious babies fertilized, they were a life to me and instantly became our children. Although they are tiny, they were intricately put together by our precious Heavenly Father.

This Christmas has a totally different meaning for me. This will be the first Christmas we have little angels in Heaven. It’s the first Christmas I feel like my heart is missing a piece here on earth. All the celebrations of the holidays remind me that once again I have that empty place on our mantle where these two precious babies stockings could have been. It’s another year that we visit Santa with our friends and we are the ones still without a little one to bring along with us.

And just when I’m getting wrapped in those sad thoughts God reminds me what this Christmas season is all about. The birth of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.  God sent his one and only son to die for our sins. For a woman desperately wanting to be a mother of my own, that is so incredibly difficult to grasp. But God loved us SO much that he made that sacrifice for our sins.

The scripture I’m sure most of you are familiar with is John 3:16 and it says, “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.”

Although this Christmas may not be as we expected it to be, my heart finds so much comfort to know that we will one day be reunited with our precious miracles. And each Christmas when I pull out this special ornament and hang it on our tree, I will get to be reminded of those two precious babies and most importantly the sacrifice our Heavenly Father made for us all those Christmas’ ago.

I just have to remind myself it won’t always be like this. Someday we will have a mantle full of stockings. Our house will be full of children laughing or even crying and the upstairs won’t be this quiet place anymore. Gannon and I get to stay up late to get all the gifts ready for the kids the next morning. We will get to create traditions with our own children and our Christmas mornings will be so different. I have to continue to pray and believe this will be our LAST Christmas without a child of our own.

This morning when I woke up I read the verse of the day on the bible app and it says it was 1 John 5:14-15. It says, “And we are confident he hears us whenever we ask for anything that pleases him. And since we know he hears us when we make our requests, we also know that he will give us what we ask for.” It just reminded me that God knows my heart and what I’m desperately longing for. I just have to keep believing in His perfect time He will bless us.

 Today, I want to encourage you to celebrate whatever tiny glimpse of heaven God has given you during your journey. For myself, I’m celebrating these sweet miracles. Thank you Jesus for letting me carry them in my tummy for those 3 weeks. Thank you for letting me experience what it’s like to be pregnant. Thank you for allowing me to be their mother and for letting their short lives make a difference in so many people’s hearts. And most importantly thank you for making the ultimate sacrifice by sending your one and only son to die for our sins.

Merry Christmas sweet friends!


Momma Brown 🙂

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