Two years ago, a couple of kids sat across a big desk and heard the word infertility come from our doctor’s mouth. The next thing we knew I was getting and ultrasound where we found out I had PCOS and a subseptate uterus, that would require immediate surgery if we wanted any chance for me to be able to carry a baby. I remember sitting across Dr B’s desk literally shaking with fear for our future. Fear of the unknown and the possibility of never being able to carry a child. A few weeks later in my surgery, we found out I had stage 4 endometriosis, which is the worst stage you can have. I remember waking up from that surgery so afraid to find out how it went. Dr B said my endometriosis was one of the worst cases he has seen. And to this day, every time he pulls my pictures out from that surgery he still says, “Boy I forgot what a case you were.” Comforting, I know 🙂
These pictures actually came up on my time hop this morning of that day. So I had to share them with you…
From that day we have had two very long years of surgery, blood tests, shots, menopause, HSG, birth control, ultrasounds, Clomid, trying naturally, hormones, headaches, IUI, anesthesia, procedures, failed IVF and heartache. Before we finally sought out a fertility specialist we had been trying “naturally” for 9 months without any success. To explain the amount of disappointment and heartache you feel each month you find out you are not pregnant for 3 years is indescribable. It truly takes a toll on your emotions and spirit. I remember thinking no one ever told us it would be this hard to have a family. The world made it seem like if you have sex, you get pregnant! I was afraid that I would never be able to give Gannon a child and experience the miracle of pregnancy. I felt defeated that my body wasn’t able to do what I feel like it was made for.
Today, I sit here at my desk typing this post and I think back to July 8, 2014. Goodness gracious, what an adventure this has been. There have been so many tears, so many prayers but most importantly SO much spiritual growth in our walk with God. There are times I cry to God and ask him why? Why does he allow so many women to have unwanted pregnancies? Why does it seem easier for other people? Why? But then by His perfect Grace, he shows me a piece of Hope. And helps me realize that this “waiting” isn’t wasted.
I remember shortly after our first doctor’s appointment I read Psalm 130:5. And it says, “I wait for the Lord, my whole being waits, and in his word I put my hope.”
I was searching for some sort of answer and clarity from God. Because I was so scared of what our future would hold. And that day the word, “Hope” stuck out to me. Since then, it has been a word that has literally gotten me through so much. Each shot, tear, and disappointment has not changed my Hope for our future. I know our time will come. I have complete peace knowing someday, somehow, Gannon and I will have a family. And in that promise, I continue to have Hope!
The people Gannon and I were 3 years ago are no longer the people we are today. Through this wait, God has shown us his grace, compassion, and mercy. God has brought our marriage closer than it ever has before and it has allowed us to truly cling to His promises. He has allowed us to do things we never even thought were possible, like sharing our journey to our precious, Baby Brown’s.
And with that being said, God has been pulling on my heart for several months now to get an event together. I’ve felt like my calling during this “wait” is to reach out to other women who are in the midst of their own journey to their precious babies. Whether you are on a similar road like us, surrogacy, embryo adoption, or traditional adoption. I want to form a little community, here in Tulsa, where we can come together and be a light in each others lives. I’ve had SO many women reach out to me for advice, comfort, prayers, and encouragement. And it made me realize that we are missing that sense of community for families going through this crazy, emotional journey! And I know even if you’ve had a miracle baby, the hurt, and pain that you had to endure to have that baby doesn’t go away. So it’s not just for women who don’t have children! I want it to be open to anyone at any part of your journey!
So calling all moms, sisters, sister in laws, aunts, best friends and most importantly mothers in waiting, I want YOU to be there for this first special event! Let’s get together and vent, laugh, cry and support each other during this emotional journey. In the next weeks, be on the lookout for more information on the first event! I’m excited to see how God’s plan will be revealed to me! Until then, if you are interested in helping or if you have any questions please reach out!
I heard this song this morning and thought it was perfect for my post today. It’s called, “Nothing is Wasted” by Elevation Worship. It reminded me that this “waiting period” in our life won’t be wasted. I want God to be able to use us and our story to honor him.
Hope you all have a fabulous weekend 🙂