Exactly two months ago Gannon and I experienced one of the most painful moments of our life. We got the call that our first round of IVF failed. I went from feeling like I was on top of the world thinking I was pregnant to feeling like a complete failure and emptiness. I pray that if you are going through a fertility journey you don’t have to experience that type of pain.
Gannon and I decided to film us finding out the news of our pregnancy. It never occurred to me that we would have such a raw, painful moment on video. For the longest time, I couldn’t watch it. I didn’t want to relive that moment, it hurt too much. But I finally got the strength to watch it and I’m so glad I did.
The first time I watched it I cried my eyes out. But the second time I watched it with more clear eyes. And I saw something really special. Our love for one another. Gannon has literally been a rock star supporter. He has been at EVERY doctor’s appointment, every shot, held me for every tear and prayed for me when I didn’t feel strong enough. But there’s something really incredible being able to witness his support for me in the video.
I know Gannon was just as crushed as I was when we found out we lost our babies. But his first reaction was to look at me and see if I was ok. And when I didn’t have the strength to talk on the phone anymore he took over. When we hung up the phone he held me. And when we finally caught our breath he prayed over us.
After watching the video I realized why God allowed us to experience that pain. I know in my heart God wouldn’t allow us to go through a dark time in our life without there being a reason. And now I know that God is growing our marriage. He’s allowing Gannon and me to love each other in a way we wouldn’t be able to without heartbreaking moments like finding out we lost our two babies. With each disappointment and heartache, he is molding and preparing our hearts for our future children.
I decided I wanted to share a few pictures of that moment with you. My whole purpose in sharing our story was to be completely open and with that means sharing some pretty intimate moments. Infertility sucks! It’s so hard. And I feel like sometimes people only want to share the positive sides of it after they have their children. But I want to be open and raw even in these hard times. I want to write this down so that when we are finally holding our precious miracles we won’t forget all the hurdles we had to get there.
The moment I answered the phone and heard MK voice I knew it was negative.
This was the moment when she told us our results came back less than 1 and we were not pregnant. Gannon instantly looked at me to see how I was doing. He is so precious.
This was the moment I couldn’t speak and Gannon stepped in for me. He is my strength when I don’t have it.
This was the moment I felt defeated and like my body had failed us once again.
And this is the moment I feel like why it all happened. To grow and help us love each other in a way like never before.
Looking through these pictures even as I write this it’s hard. But I know it won’t always feel like this. I will wait patiently for the day when we have pictures meeting our precious children for the first time. And hopefully, these pictures will just be part of our story getting there.
Yesterday, we had our follow up appointment with Dr B. After watching this video I realized MK said to call once I started my period. But I totally forgot and for some reason thought they were supposed to call me. So I waited and waited for the call only to realize they were waiting on me!
Once again we sat across from him in his big desk going over my chart. In July, we will have been going to Dr B for two years. Gosh if we only knew what we do now when we sat in those chairs for the first time.
We got to ask him all our questions. I wanted to make sure there wasn’t any reason why he thought I couldn’t carry children. I asked him if it failed because of my eggs or Gannon’s sperm. He said for being a PCOS patient he was really impressed with the quality of my eggs. Dr B said his only concern would be Gannon’s sperm. I joked and said finally we have something we can blame on him 🙂 I’m sure you don’t remember but the first time Gannon had his sperm tested they talked about how great the quality was. I’ve never seen Gannon stand so tall! But Dr B said sometimes sperm can look great on paper but that doesn’t mean they won’t have trouble implanting into the egg. The first round we didn’t do ICSI, which is where they directly implant the sperm into my egg, but this second round we will in hopes of getting more embryos.
Dr B mentioned once again how bad my endometriosis is. He asked if I’ve had any symptoms since my body overstimulated with our last egg retrieval because it can cause my endo to grow back. I told him I’m really bad at paying attention to symptoms, especially since I’m so used to them. I feel like they have just been part of my normal life for so long. He said if I don’t notice anything major I need to start my birth control back up to suppress everything and synchronize my ovaries. I need to take it for at least 2 months, but probably a little longer. And if for some reason I do notice symtoms I will need to take lupron shots for 3 months to help suppress even more. I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to be in menopause again! So i’m praying the birth control is enough!
He said that if everything looks like it’s suppressing like it should be we will start my second round of IVF in August. Which is probably good so it can give us time to try and save up for it! There’s nothing like writing a check for another $20,000. I just have to remind myself (and Gannon) you can’t put a price on having a family!
I know we mentioned adoption in our previous posts. And that is very much still on our hearts. We are just continuing to look to God for direction and his timing in all these situations. Financially speaking we don’t feel like we can do both at the same time. Which is super frustrating. So if you hear of anyone who becomes pregnant and they are considering blessing a family with that precious miracle please keep us in mind…ok not really 🙂 I mean unless you do know of someone!! But in all seriousness, Gannon and I want a big family. And right now in our hearts, I feel like God is telling me to push forward with IVF first.
I think one of the most comforting things about our future is that I don’t have to worry about it. God already knows. And he has known from the beginning. It’s exciting that if we continue to look to him he will guide us down the right path. So all we can do is ask you to join us in prayer that we will continue to trust him and follow his direction!
Crazy story! So yesterday I received the happiest package from a precious girl who is going through her own IVF journey. She and her hubby actually go to our church and we’ve crossed paths a couple times, but I never realized they were going through IVF as well! I opened up the package and it was this bracelet that says, “Trust God’s Timing!” How special is that?! It completely blew me away and I’m so thankful that God has allowed our paths to cross so we can encourage one another through this crazy time in our life!
Thank you all so much for loving our future babies enough to follow our journey! You have no idea how much it blesses us.
Hebrews 11:1 says, “Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.”
I have to throw this picture in here too because it’s tradition for us to snap a selfie each time we leave the doctors office!