Arms Open Wide

Proverbs 3:5-6 says, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not trust in your own understanding. Agree with Him in all your ways, and He will make your paths straight.”

I can’t believe so much has happened in such a short period of time. Between the birth of Lorenzo, us finding out we lost our babies, making decisions for our house renovations, the home and garden show this weekend and then anything else in between, life has been overwhelmingly exhausting! Yesterday Gannon and I had an appointment with our therapist. We actually had the appointment scheduled about 1 month or so ago, but it was on the day my sister got into a wreck so we had it rescheduled. I think God knew how much we were going to need it yesterday and it truly was such a blessing.

Here is a picture of us after our appointment!

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First of all, I want to say we love going to therapy. There is something so incredible having a completely unbiased opinion.  Someone who can help you process and evaluate things in a totally different way. We go to Christian Family Institute, so I also love that all their “recommendations or advice” is always driven from the bible. I know I have said it before, but Gannon has seriously been such an incredible spiritual leader in our family these past few days. I feel like this week I have experienced a whole different kind of love for him than before. It’s hard to explain, but when I found out we lost our two babies, I felt like my body failed him and I failed myself. Somehow I felt like I wasn’t good enough to be a mommy. And I was heartbroken that I couldn’t give Gannon his one of his biggest dreams. But in this entire process, Gannon has never made me feel less of a woman or ever questioned anything. And I’m so unbelievably thankful for that. This experience has brought us so much closer than before. We have experienced one of the lowest of lows in our lives together and we continued to hold tight to each other and most importantly God. And even though we wish our circumstances may have been different, I truly feel like God allowed this to happen to grow our love for one another. I know that this was just part of God’s plan. For some reason, he wanted us to be able to bond in a way we could not have done without the loss of our two babies. I think in every situation we are faced with there is a silver lining and I’m trying to stay positive and focus on that. I know God doesn’t allow us to go through painful experiences to intentionally hurt us. He allows certain things to happen to mold us and prepare us even more for the joy that is to come.

With that said, the therapist appointment went so well. She reminded Gannon and me that what we are going through is so incredibly hard. Probably one of the hardest things we have ever gone through this far in our life. And all the emotions, stress, heartache and pain we are feeling is totally normal. She reminded us that its ok to grieve. Actually, it would be weird if we didn’t take some time to grieve the loss of our two babies. She also said that everyone grieves differently. Personally, at first, I questioned why God allowed this all to happen? Why would he allow us to go through IVF for it to fail? Why did he only let us have 2 embryos when we started with 20 eggs? Why did he let them thaw out perfectly only to not let them survive after the transfer? Why did he have to take both of them from us? Why would he make us have to go through IVF again?  I’m a planner and it was hard for me to understand why he would allow all of this to happen without wondering why. The therapist reminded me that it’s ok to wonder why, but I have to also be ok with the fact that we may never find that out.

At the therapist, Gannon really opened up to me and told me that he felt like these past few days God has really been working on his heart. He felt like maybe this whole time we have been praying for the wrong thing. We kept asking God to give us a baby and to let IVF work.  But Gannon felt like instead of asking God to let me get pregnant we should be praying for God to make us parents. However, that may be. Gannon said maybe we are limiting not just ourselves, but God if we aren’t exploring all the options. Maybe we need to start exploring adoption and see if we can try naturally in these next 6 months before we start the next round of IVF. Maybe we have been too focused on IVF to realize God might actually have bigger plans he is setting up for us. Even greater ones than we can ever imagine. The therapist said that since we have been so focused on IVF we could actually be missing out on opportunities God has been placing right in front of us.

With that said, that doesn’t mean we are completely giving up on IVF. We are going to pray about it, but as of right now we still want to explore that option again. But that doesn’t mean while we are in this “waiting” period again we can’t explore other options that could be available to us. The therapist actually encouraged us and said if we feel like God has been putting this on our heart, we should try and open up as many doors as possible and see which one he makes available to us. For as long as I can remember I’ve always had it on my heart to adopt. Gannon and I have known that at some point we wanted to pursue it. I felt like since the doors to IVF were opened for us maybe the timing wasn’t right. I thought that we would be spreading ourselves too thin if we started to explore different options while we were in the middle of something else. But maybe God needs us start exploring so he can finally show us his complete direction in our life.

Are you guys as overwhelmed as we are yet?! Now that I have totally confused you all with thinking out loud. Our whole purpose in sharing our thoughts was in hope, that you guys could join us in prayer. Before we start even trying to turn any more door knobs we want to pray for guidance. We want to completely surrender our control for this journey. Losing our two babies we’ve learned we aren’t in control. And I think it has taken us this long to truly learn what it means to surrender and be completely contempt in our hearts. These next few months Gannon and I are going to try and connect in our marriage and try to not even think about babies. Ok maybe not think about them, but maybe think about them less. Pray that we could take this time and truly just enjoy each other and be contempt with the fact that right it’s just the two of us.  If you guys can also please join us in prayer that God would allow the right opportunities to open up at the right time.  And if you guys could be praying for continued strength and peace. We truly can’t thank you enough for all the prayers!

I wanted to give you guys an update from Doctor Bundren. On Monday, when I got off work I ran to my sisters house to love on my sweet nephew. Seriously you guys, he’s an addiction that I can’t seem to get enough of. I was holding him when my phone rang and it was their office. I nonchalantly answered the phone because I assumed it was MK giving me the details about our next appointment. But it was Doctor Bundren! My sister was sitting right next to me so she heard me say, “Oh Hi Doctor Bundren” so she grabbed sweet Enzo! I think this is the first time he has ever called me on the phone, so I was totally caught off guard. He was calling to check on me and said he was glad to hear that I sounded upbeat on the phone. He said he was just as devastated as we were that this round of IVF didn’t work for us. We talked about why it may not have worked. Dr B said he was surprised we did not have more embryos based on the quality of my eggs and Gannon’s sperm. But he thought the two we had were good quality embryo and based off everything he thought it should have worked. The only explanation he could come up with was that maybe those just weren’t the lucky ones. He was very sympathetic that we were going to have to do another round of IVF and hated that it is such a long grueling process. Dr B discussed a few different options we could try this round of IVF and answered a few questions I had. He also said I understand you were in a Zika infested country within the last 6 months. He said that this virus is much more serious than anyone is really talking about. That on March 1st the government sent out a bunch of information regarding the virus and it could totally devastate the infertility community. The paperwork they got stated that if you have been out of the country or to a Zika infested place in the last 6 months you can’t do IVF. But he also said if you have any friends trying to get pregnant to remind them this could affect them as well. He said for anyone trying to conceive they recommend not going to any Zika infested places for at least 6 months before you start trying. He said he hasn’t seen anything as serious or like this since HIV. He said that the government could prohibit any fertility treatments, IUI or IVF from happening at all. So we need to start praying that doesn’t happen and that this virus ends up not being as serious as they think it is! I don’t need anything else to stress about! 🙂

On a totally different note, if you all want something to do this weekend come up to the Greater Tulsa Home & Garden Show and be sure and stop by our booth! I would love to give you all a big hug! 🙂

I thought this song was perfect for right now.

Thank you all for being so incredible! We truly love each and every one of you and are so thankful for all your support!

Xo,

Momma Brown


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