Our Fight Isn’t Over

I tried to write this yesterday and just didn’t have the strength to finish it. I never realized how difficult this part of the process would be. I never anticipated losing our two babies. And having to start over.

I woke up yesterday morning and asked Gannon if Thursday really happened. Are we sure it wasn’t just a dream? I didn’t feel like I was going to be strong enough to face another IVF journey. So I just knew that I had to be pregnant. But apparently God knows we are strong enough. I know this is part of His plan. And I know he is laying out the paths for our next steps.

Thursday, we got to our appointment at 9:30.When we first walked in MK said I’ve been up since 2:30 am thinking about you guys. And I said that’s funny we were up at 2:30 too! She said darn we should have gone to breakfast. I basically couldn’t sleep at all the night before. I was so anxious to find out the news. They brought us back to the room where she draws my blood and started going over all the scenarios. If you’re pregnant you are going to come back Monday and we will make sure your Beta levels are doubling every day. You will stay on the progesterone and estrogen like normal. She also said since we traveled out of the Country within the last 160 days I would have to get tested for the zika virus. So that gave me one more thing I needed to worry about. The federal government is cracking down on fertility clinics. And she said if you are trying to get pregnant to not travel outside of the country for at least 6 months before.  The Beta test could come back with a bubble result meaning the numbers aren’t as high as they would like them to be, but we would monitor them to make sure they are progressing. Or the test could be negative. And in that case, you stop all the medicine except the baby aspirin. And you will basically have a miscarriage. They will have us come in and discuss the next options. But we learned from your last IVF treatment that we need to do ICSI where they inject the sperm into the egg. They will also do a bigger mock trial where they see when is the best day to transfer the embryo. They will take biopsies of my uterus to see if it’s ready by day 6 like they did last time or day 7. Obviously, the added testing cost more. But we want to have more embryos the second time around. She also said that if we had to do IVF again we should start the process until September or October so my body can recover. After she finished going over the scenarios she took my blood. Gave me a big hug and said, “Love you babe, everything is going to be alright, God has a plan” and we left.

Gannon wanted to go pick out materials for our house renovation while we waited. It was hard to concentrate, but I know it was a nice little distraction. MK said the results should be in around 2:30-3, but she had to call Dr B first to get a game plan. Around 1 pm I told Gannon that we just needed to go home so we can relax and anxiously await the call. I didn’t want to be in public when we heard the news. At 2 pm we turned on worship music and sat on the couch. We laughed and joked about different things. We said prayers in-between and cried and held each other. We had little bets that if we went to the bathroom they would call. We sat there for so long we ran to the bathroom 3 different times, knowing she would call as soon as we left. We made plans for the babies and talked about how nervous we were. I told Gannon I wanted to record our reaction so we had his computer & phone set up to record the conversation. Around 4:15 pm I finally gave in and text my nurse and asked if she had heard anything. That the anticipation was killing us. At 4:45 pm we got the call. I knew the moment I heard her say, “alright babe” that it was negative. She said the results came back less than 1. Which means you are not pregnant. She told me to stop taking the estrogen and progesterone. She said I’m so sorry. And honestly, after that I don’t even remember what else. We hung up the phone and just cried and held each other for a long time before saying anything. I finally realized we had been recording it and asked Gannon to stop the video. Gannon stopped it and said a precious prayer. He truly is my rock and I’m so thankful for him. We finally caught our breath and knew we had to let our family know who were anxiously awaiting the news. We called my mom first and she said I’m coming over. Then we made the rounds and called the rest of the family and they all came over too. We all held each other and cried. It was such a raw moment of emotions.

The moment you find out all your dreams of what could be with those two miracles is gone is unlike anything i’ve ever experienced. But the hope of knowing we will see them someday is enough to get me through tomorrow. I’m not sure when exactly we lost them, but I know in that exact moment they went to be with Jesus. I know they are laughing and playing up in Heaven with all the other babies waiting on their parents. I feel like in my heart we had a little boy and a little girl and I can’t wait to meet them and see what they finally look like. As much as I want them here with us, I know God would only take them if he needed them more in Heaven. And I know on Thursday God was crying with us when we found out the news. But I also know God is so full of Joy for our future. Because he knows our next steps and plans. And even though I’m sad we didn’t get our babies on earth now, I know we will at His perfect time.

I feel like for my sanity I need to focus on what I am thankful for. So I am thankful to be where I am. I am thankful for the opportunity we had to love two little babies so deeply. I am thankful for our doctors who are able to guide us on this journey. I am thankful for our families who support us each step of the way. I am thankful for our friends who have loved us and prayed for us so deeply. I am thankful for God’s grace who is strong enough to get me through moments where I know I’m not strong enough to get through it on my own. And I am so thankful for Gannon. I have never loved him more than I do now. And I have never felt closer than I do now. I wouldn’t want to go through life without anyone else by my side.

Thank you all to each and everyone who has reached out. I have read every message and it truly made my heart so full knowing how much love and support we have. I promise I will write each of you back in time! Our journey isn’t over. And we aren’t going to give up. We know God is aligning our next path as we speak and we are excited to see what this one looks like.

If you guys can just be praying for Gannon and I. Our emotions come in waves. One minute we feel strong just to be knocked down by something else. Also, please be praying we are able to sleep. The waves of emotions even come in the middle of the night and since we found out the news we haven’t been able to sleep. Please be praying for understanding. That Gannon and I would without question understand that God has a plan. Although this didn’t go how we expected that somehow God will make it all work out for his Glory in the end. Pray for grace. We had some pretty huge news be thrown our way in the last 48 hours and we are only going to be able to get through it with God’s grace. And just please be praying for me. I haven’t started to miscarry yet. But I know it will be soon. And I can’t imagine the emotions that will come with that.

Romans 12:15 “Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn.” Thank you for mourning with us these past 3 days. I know there is a time to mourn and a time to rejoice. I will continue to have hope that our time to rejoice will be here soon.

Xo,

Momma Brown


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