These past few days have been rough. It all started with me forgetting to take my Bromocriptine on Friday night. I hated to bother my doctor so I decided to not worry about it and take it like normal starting Saturday. Well, Saturday night I noticed I had started to spot. And Sunday it got even worse and I felt “weird,” which was the only way I could explain it to the hubs. I literally laid on the couch all day Sunday and had no energy. Monday morning rolls around and I have a full blown period…we are talking being 16 years old again it was bad. So I called my doctor first thing in the morning. Not even thinking it was Monday and I’m sure every other hormonal girl called them first thing too. They didn’t call me back yesterday so I took my Lupron and Bromocriptine like normal. Well, fast forward to last night. I literally couldn’t sleep at all because I was so disturbed with what has happening with my body. (I’m trying to not be too graphic).
I finally gave in and decided to text my nurse. Which is what I should have done in the first place, but I hated to bother her. I found out that because I missed that one tiny pill on Friday night it caused my cycle to start. And because I started taking a baby aspirin every day it has caused my blood to thin. Which caused my body to respond like a 16-year-old and have an extremely heavy flow. So now instead of starting my birth control on Thursday I’m starting today. Which is a bummer because I will have aunt flow on our vacation. The good thing is since starting this whole process, this has been the only time I have ever missed a dose or messed up!
I also feel emotional because tomorrow was supposed to be the day we found out if we were pregnant or not. And I have been seeing that all my “cycle buddies” who are on the IVF Support page on facebook are announcing their exciting news and it makes me sad. I’m absolutely thrilled that they are pregnant and they didn’t have to do a freeze all cycle like we did, but it’s just hard because I wish that was me.
I feel like I’m experiencing what I am calling Postpartum Egg Retrieval. Where you get on a high finding out we collected 20 eggs. Only to find out the next day 9 of them fertilized. Then to find out 6 of them are where they should be on Day 3. To get an update on Day 4 that none of them are progressing like they should be. To finally find out 2 had made it to the freeze cycle. To have to wait 3 more months to find out if those 2 miracles will make it through the thawing process. Realizing if they don’t we will have to go through this whole process again. It’s such an incredible whirlwind of emotions. I am so excited for the 2 that survived and made it to freeze, but I grieve the loss of the other 7 that didn’t make it. I read a blog today talking about how it’s ok to grieve those babies that didn’t make it. Because no matter how micro small they might have been they were a piece of Gannon and I. That even though they were little God knew the color of their eyes, the shape of their little noses, if they were a boy or girl, the creator of all things knew those tiny little details. They were a life to Gannon and me, a life that we had SO much hope in. And I know someday when we finally make it to Heaven I will get to meet those precious little faces.
A sweet friend passed along Deuteronomy 31:8, “Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the Lord will personally go ahead of you. He will be with you; he will neither fail you nor abandon you.”
So even though right now I might be grieving what could be I have faith that God is personally going ahead of us and creating our path. I might not always understand why he allows certain things to happen in our life. But I will have comfort in knowing that we are not alone in this journey. God is always with us and will never abandon us.
I hope you all have a fabulous Thanksgiving! And enjoy every moment with all your family and friends. I know Gannon and I have a lot to be thankful for this year. And as hard as it might be we will celebrate the little milestones!