Heartbroken, But Still Hopeful

Sunday was a really hard, emotional day for us. I woke up early with a tummy ache and went to the bathroom to find blood. At first I was completely shocked and literally had no emotions about it. So I went back to bed and woke Gannon up to tell him. He asked if I knew if it was a period or not. I started googling  and kind of making myself crazy. People can start to spot during implantation of the egg to the uterus. But I just knew it wasn’t that. It was in that moment I knew there wasn’t a baby in my uterus. It had never felt so empty before. I decided to go let the dogs out and all of a sudden had uncontrollable tears. Gannon and I just laid in bed and held each other for hours crying. Luckily my nurse gave me her cell phone number so I was able to text her and see what she thought we needed to do. I hate bothering her, especially on a Sunday but she was so gracious and gave me comfort. Once we figured out it was actually a period and not something else she told me to start my birth control pill today and make a consultation appointment for this week.

I haven’t personally ever had a miscarriage so I can’t relate and I definitely don’t want to  take away from anyone who has.  But yesterday I felt like I was grieving the loss of a child.  A sweet friend of mine who is going through IVF told me that it’s ok to mourn this baby. She said even if there wasn’t ever technically a baby, there was in my heart. And I need to allow time to let those feelings heal. And she is absolutely right. I really felt like I am grieving for this baby we never got the opportunity to love. My heart grieves at the thought of not being able to share the news with our family and not being able to have a precious baby here by the end of April, early May. I had so much hope in that tiny follicle we watched grow. And now I feel like we are suffering a loss of what could have been.

As hard as yesterday was I have a peace about finding out the way we did. I feel like God was protecting our hearts by letting us find out in the comfort of our home.  I think it would have been harder for us to hear if we had gone in for a pregnancy test and waited to hear those results all day. God knew our hearts couldn’t handle finding out the other way.

After we let the news settle we decided to let some of our close friends know.  I hated to think about all the texts we would be getting saying how excited and anxious they were for Today. I am so glad I decided to tell people so quickly because the outpour of love and encouragement was amazing.  One of my best friends Rachael immediately came over and we literally held each other bawling! It was such a raw moment of friendship and just proves how much our story affects not just us, but others around. And my family came over to just spend time with us! It meant so much just to have the people I love the most there.

And then at 6:45 last night we got a text that said check your front porch. And some precious friends left this on our front porch. It was the sweetest thing ever! They definitely know the way to our hearts!

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And then this afternoon I had  a little box of sunshine delivered to brighten my day!

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John 16:22, “So with you: Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy.” So as hard as yesterday was I am reminded of God’s goodness and grace. It’s ok to cry and be sad and to grieve what could have been. But even in this sad time I’m going to continue to have Hope that God will bless us with our beloved children in His perfect timing! I have to continue to hold onto the Joy of what will be one day. These days may seem long and hard now, but one day we will look back and they will seem like a distant dream.

Our next appointment is scheduled for this Wednesday. We will be discussing our next steps and options. If you guys can just be praying for direction and peace with each decision we have to make. Thank you all SO much for your prayers, support and encouragement! Gannon and I are truly beyond blessed by each and every one of you!

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18, “Be Joyful always. Pray continually. Give thanks in all circumstances.”

Xo,

Kate 🙂


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