Reaching Out I Surrender

For some reason this next process has been so much more difficult than anything else we have had to go through. I think it’s because I feel like we are finally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel and my anticipation has been killing me. On Monday I finally started my cycle so I called the office to see what our next step was. Gosh, with each treatment we’ve gone through it’s always hard to totally comprehend each step and grasp everything they are saying to you. I almost feel like I need to record our visits so you can listen to them several times! But my nurse called me back and let me preface this by saying I had been waiting in the CVS drive through for a while to pick up my crazy dog (Winstons) prozac and just as I answer the phone the person in front of me left so it was my turn to pick up my prescription. So I was sitting there trying to listen to my nurse and grasp everything she is saying while trying to explain to the pharmacy that the medicine isn’t for me, it’s for my CRAZY dog! She’s saying “Ok Honey, you’re gonna start your birth control and be on that for 3 weeks to sync up your ovaries and then on June 30th you are going to come in and we will do an ultrasound to see how everything is looking”….Pharmacist- “Yes, it’s for my dog”….”and then after that, pending how everything is looking, we should be able to start the Controlled Ovarian Hyperstimulation process.” I’m like “wait so I have to be on birth control AGAIN for three more weeks?!” She’s like “Yes Honey do we need to call in the pharmacy and order that prescription”…the Pharmacy guy hears that over my car and is like “You actually have 2 more refills so you should be good”…I relay the message nope actually i’m good on the refills. “Ok Honey well start your birth control tomorrow and we will see you in 3 weeks”…Pharmacy- “Mrs. Brown is there anything else you need?” I’m like PEOPLE hold on a second! To say I was overwhelmed would be an understatement. But I hang up the phone and apologize to the pharmacist for being that rude person on the phone and explained that I had been waiting for that call all day. Luckily it’s the same guy I see every time so he was so nice about it! I leave the pharmacy and I literally want to burst out in tears! I just felt so overwhelmed about the conversation, the fact that I have to be on birth control for 3 WEEKS, the fact that I raised a crazy dog and I have to get him prozac, and just with this whole process.

Fertility treatments are just hard because you get your hopes up that this time its going to work and then sometimes it doesn’t and you are back into another overwhelming experience of suppressing your ovaries and then making them produce tons of follicles and then do trigger shots and you start to realize that you have absolutely no control over your body. While I was having a little moment with Gannon, which surprisingly hasn’t happened too much.  His constant reassurance that our story is just a little different and that God is going to use us and our story in ways we never imagined and that started to comfort me again. I’m just thankful that in those times my husband is there not only to comfort me, but to bring it back to God and to remind me that he has a plan for us that he knew long before we were even married. I still wanted to just lay there and cry it out, but there’s nothing wrong with that! It’s ok to have moments of weakness and talk to God and ask him why! The more I’ve started to question the more I’ve been reminded that God is taking this time to mold me and shape me into a better wife, a better friend and hopefully a better mom. But most importantly, He’s molding me to be more like him. Jesus faced so many trials and heartaches, yet he was still able to come into this world and live a completely sin less life! James 1:12 says, “Blessed is the one who preservers under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him.” A lot of times when we go through hard times it feels like God must be punishing us or for me I sometimes feel like maybe God has forgotten how much I long to be a mother. But in reality when we go through these trials God is there guiding us and holding our hands we just have to reach out and grab them! So with all that said, there might be tears…sometimes a lot of them. But it won’t waver my heart from the reality that my time will come. God knows the desires of my heart and he will allow those to happen in His time. So I just have to continue to focus on myself and the precious marriage that God has blessed me with. These 21 days or 3 weeks may seem like an eternity right now, but the outcome of them will be far greater and I will wait my whole life if I have to experience it.

The other day my best friend Jaji sent me this song and i’ve literally been playing it on repeat so I had to share!



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