December 4, 2013 was the day we finally made the plunge into our journey of becoming parents. Gosh what a year it has been. That’s 12 months, 365 days, 8,760 hours, 525,600 minutes that my heart has been aching to feel a precious miracle child grow in my empty womb.
I’ll never forget the rush of the first month. Anticipating the unknown of when I was going to become pregnant. For Christmas my in loves took us to Israel. Gannon and I both agreed that we would wait until December for me to get off the pill because we didn’t want to risk dealing with morning sickness in a different country. I will never forget Christmas Eve, we were in Jerusalem and I decided to buy a pregnancy test. I went into this little drug store and decided to see if I could find one. This lady there saw me looking around, but couldn’t speak English very well. I rubbed on my belly and said, “Baby test” and her eyes got huge and said, “Ohh come.” I thought what better place to find out your pregnant than on Jesus’ birthday, where he grew up. What a story that would of been to tell our beloved child. I knew the chances of it actually being positive were pretty slim, especially since we had basically just started trying. But that feeling of the unknown all night was more than my heart could handle. I woke up at 5 in the morning just to take the test. The test was negative. If only we knew the journey we had ahead of us.
Fast forward a couple months, I found this precious book that is called, “Dude you’re gonna be a dad.” I had it tucked away with a couple other goodies just in case I got positive test early one morning. I wanted to give Gannon something that we could hold onto forever…one that didn’t contain pee on it. 🙂 As I tucked the goodies away in my closet my heart was pounding just at the thought of being able to give them to him one day. Each time I took a test I fantasized about how I would wake him up and what his face would look like when I was finally able to tell him that we created a child together, out of love. With each test and month that passed those gifts seemed to get pushed further back into my closet. Finally, one day I decided to just tell Gannon about them. Because to some it was just a couple random gifts, but to me it was our future just sitting there collecting dust. He was surprised that I was so organized and just reminded me that someday I would be able to give them to him. I finally got the strength to move them into our “future nursery.”
Here are some of the goodies I got for Gannon.
Although, this last year has not been exactly how I “planned,” it has been so amazing to see how God uses us during different storms in our life. Gannon and I wouldn’t who we are today without these bumps and I know someday we are going to be better parents for it. For one I never thought I would start a blog, especially about such an intimate part of our life. But the joy that has come from each story, every person that has reached out, prayer, text, or email has been life changing. I have never felt so surrounded by God’s goodness. And I would share our story all over again if I had the chance! With all that said of course I wish this Christmas we could have a little baby Brown and be able to add one more stocking to our mantle. But I know it’s all in his timing.
Quickly, I wanted to share a couple things that we have learned from our journey into parenthood:
- You can’t control or plan everything. When we first started trying I thought how surreal it was to be able to plan when we had children. I thought I could basically decide what month our child would be born, when or not I would be pregnant, I thought I had the world at my fingertips. I forgot to focus on the fact that God is the creator. And I was trying to take over his job. Colossians 1:16 “For by HIM all things were created in Heaven and on earth.”
- My husband’s love for me is unconditional. I had someone ask me one day if I felt guilty that I was the reason we couldn’t get pregnant. Literally up until that moment I had never even considered the fact that I was the one holding us back. I waited a couple days later and finally asked Gannon if he would of married me if he knew that I would 100% sure not be able to have children. He immediately wrapped me in his arms and said, “Kate are you serious? I know that whether you carry a baby or not, we will have children of our own.” Literally in that moment I thanked God and fell in love with my husband all over again.
- God knows the desires of my heart and gave me those desires for a reason. Psalm 37:4 “Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart.” God puts the desires in our heart for a reason. He wouldn’t give us those if he couldn’t fulfill them for me.
- My heart for adoption has multiplied. Gannon and I have always said that we are going to adopt at least one of our children. The planner I am always thought it would be our 4th child. But maybe this is God telling us that it should be our first. Regardless of when it happens I know God will open up those doors for us and make it apparent. I’ve always thought of adoption like this. I love Gannon more than I thought I could ever love anyone else. He isn’t my “blood,” so how could I not love someone elses child as my own. Of course, I long to feel a child grow in my womb and to be able to feel him/her move around and grow, but that doesn’t mean I wont love an adopted child any less.
- I can’t survive this world without the strength of Jesus Christ on my side. I’ve been blown away by the love and support of our family, friends, and church. Galatians 6:2, “Carry each others burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.” Ecclesiastes 4:9-10, “You are better off to have a friend than to be all alone, because then you will get more enjoyment out of what you earn. If you fall, your friend can help you up.” Psalm 55:22 “Cast your cares on the LORD and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous be shaken.”
- Good things come to those who wait. Deuteronomy 7:9, “Know therefore that the Lord your God is God; he is the faithful God, keeping his covenant of love to a thousand generations of those who love him and keep his commandments.”
- Let the storm your in be a time to go stronger in your Faith. Mark 11:24 “Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you will receive it, and it will be yours.” This has been the biggest blessing during this whole situation. It has allowed me to completely rely on God again and the direction he has for me in my life.
- Finally God has a plan and I can rest in his arms knowing he is in control. Romans 8:28, “And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to [his] purpose.” Psalm 37:7 “Be patient and trust the Lord. Don’t let it bother you when all goes well for those who do sinful things.”
I heard the lyrics to this song the other day and it totally hit home for me they were…
“Out of these ashes beauty will rise, and we will dance among the ruins, we will see him with our own eyes. Out of these ashes beauty will rise, for we know Joy is coming in the morning.” – Stephen Curtis Chapman
Here is the music video to “Beauty Will Rise.”
Hope you all have a fabulous week!